More Mirror Messages

My prince put this up a bit before he left for the March for Life:

It’s a promise he made to me while we were still dating.

He returned to this:

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7 Responses to More Mirror Messages

  1. Suz says:

    What an awesome idea! My hubby is far from romantic these days and I have been complaining (in a nice and friendly, cheeky way) about it for ages. lol It is Valentines next week which I hadn’t realised, and we normally don’t celebrate it we usually do our anniversary date that we started dating as well as our wedding. I am going to try this on V Day, it is such a cool idea!! 🙂

    • We’ve had fun with it :).

      I do know what you mean about wanting more romance. I “made little noises” about it for a long time. Fortunately for me, I have a husband who likes to talk things through & I learned a few things in the process. The main one was that men as a rule–even successful ones–either feel like failures already or are afraid that they’re a whisker-breadth away from failing. And failure is devastating.

      When I let on that I wanted more romance, what my prince emotionally “heard” was, “You’re failing me because you’re not romantic enough.” That in itself was a romance killer. He wanted to please me–wanted it very badly–but was embarrassed to find that he felt inadequate, and that sense of failure made the topic so sensitive that he shied away from it (vicious cycle).

      The other main thing working against us was that men dream of the magnificent. That in itself is wonderful, but in romance, it translates into another vicious cycle. He doesn’t feel like a single rose is worthy of you. He wants to shower you with a dozen roses every day on a cruise to the Bahamas with your own private violin quartet (or whatever his idea of grandness is). That takes a lot of effort! And if he does manage to pull off a feat he thinks is worthy of you, then he feels like he has to top it the next time! Just thinking about the effort that would take leaves him exhausted. And of course, he’s busy (protecting you & providing for you), so such grandiose dreams slip to the bottom of the priority pile, in the category of “boy it would be nice someday, wouldn’t it?”

      My first reaction to all this information was, “It’s not fair!” And it’s not. But that didn’t get me very far. Then I decided that since I enjoy planning romance & my prince doesn’t, I’d simply have fun with it & invite him to share it with me. We need romance, and I can set the stage. As long as the pressure’s off of him, my prince enjoys sharing it with me. And sometimes it gives him enough energy to reciprocate :).

      I also learned that the greatest compliments I can pay my prince (with the appropriate details added in) are 1) “you’re a good provider,” 2) “I feel protected by you,” 3) “you make me happy.” He’s wired to protect & provide & if he feels like a success there, it’ll carry over into everything else (if he feels like a failure there, nothing else will make up for it). When my prince says “I love you,” the response that most warms his heart is “I know.” That was counter intuitive! But what it said to his heart was, “You’ve succeeded. You’ve made me happy.” The more successful he feels, the more energy he has to pour into succeeding further, and the more he wants to be around whatever made him feel successful (which is why some men spend so much time at work–they feel like successes there & failures at home).

      I really had to swallow my, “but I’m not happy!”, and think long & hard about the many good things my prince does for me. I had to re-interpret his protectiveness. My natural instinct is often to think, “For pity’s sake, I can handle myself!” But what he’s trying to communicate is, “I love you and I value you.” If I can see his protectiveness as his version of bringing me a rose I respond more productively! And I often don’t really notice his efforts to provide for me. So he goes to work. That’s just normal. So he picks up groceries on the way home. We need to eat. But there’s a profound sense in which he’s doing these things for me. Yes, he’d have to do them anyway, but because he’s responsible for providing for his princess, they take on a whole new meaning. When he goes to work day after day, shops the sales & brings home the groceries, he’s saying, “I love you. I value you. I want you to have good things.”

      I’ve found that when I set up romantic experiences for us it energizes me so that I’m better able to succeed in loving my prince the way he needs to be loved (and, I tell you, little speaks love to my prince better than his favorite foods!).

      This is all very much still a work in progress…but at least we’ve made progress :).

      A resource we’ve found helpful is How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, by Dr. Steven Stosny. Just the title tends to catch men’s attention. It’s mostly about the different ways men & women approach love and how to meet in a way that satisfies both.

      May God bless your marriage and your romance :).

  2. Suz says:

    Thank you so much! 🙂 I will definitely take your ideas to heart. Yesterday I went out stationary shopping as we are about to start studying to become Salvation Army Officers (Pastors) and I bought him a diary for the year. He had mentioned end of last year he needed one. I haven’t told him I got it, but I have gone through it and wrote some things on special dates and throughout plan to write some scriptures and quotes to encourage him. We have been a part for 3 weeks due to him still working in our hometown (2 hours away) and my eye have been opened to many things especially a new appreciation for EVERYTHING he has ever done for me. I have always taken him for granted.

    Thanks again for sharing. 🙂

  3. Good for you :)! Very sweet idea :).

    My prince was only gone for 5 days, but it was enough to give me a good taste of just what he does for me ;). In cleaning under the computer the day he left, I managed to knock out our printer, phone service and internet. *whew!* I got the printer back up & a friend from church got the internet functional, but it took my prince himself to configure the phone again! Thank God he’d set up voicemail to send messages to our email, so I could still get messages when he called me! (I couldn’t get messages back to him, though). We had a lovely reunion :).

    I hope yours is as warm with your prince :).

  4. Suz says:

    You’re amazing! I love how you call your husband “Your Prince” 🙂 I might have to start seeing mine that way. 😉

    • We refer to each other as prince and princess because our Baptisms have made us children of God (Galatians 3:26-27), the King of Kings (I Timothy 6:15). The son of a king is a prince; the daughter, a princess :).

      See? Simple logic can be very romantic ;)!

  5. Suz says:

    I did read that, what a cool idea. It sure is romantic so it’s a good place to start. 😉

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