The “Purgatory Flinch”

The “Purgatory Flinch”

That’s the external, medical story.

Internally, a much larger saga was unfolding.

I did (at some point during that time in the ER), register that they’d found masses in my brain that weren’t supposed to be there, that needed further investigation.

Now, as a scientist, I learned long ago to never outstrip my data. What I don’t know, I don’t know & I’m not going to jump to conclusions. I will pursue further information. I didn’t know what these masses were. I did not know how big they were or how treatable they were, or really *anything* else about them, and I resolved to simply take things as they *came*. That had a lot of survival value!

At the same time, given the history of brain tumors in my family I was well aware that this might be the beginning of the end.

Well then, let’s make the most of it!

Having learned from the saints that keeping my end in mind makes for a good life, I had thought quite a bit about death already. I had been praying, “From a sudden and unprovided death, O Lord, deliver me.” I want to receive the Sacraments before I die, to make peace with God, to receive the incredible spiritual treasures with which the Church lavishes the dying. I want closure here on earth. This could be the answer to that prayer :).

And I’d read that when St. Gertrude the Great told Jesus she was afraid she wouldn’t be coherent enough to die well, to welcome the death He had for her and offer it to Him in union with His death for the salvation of souls, He told her that she could spiritually place herself at the hour of her death (He’s outside of time, so He can apply it to any hour He pleases!) and do and say to Him anything she would want to do and say when her time actually *came*. Cool! So I’d done that a few times already.

Finally, I’d been praying a prayer I’d come across, “Lord, send me here my Purgatory”. Get it over with! And if I suffer well the purification God has for me *here*, I can actually benefit from it here (among other things–there are many advantages).

When I faced the prospect of impending death in the E.R., my knee-jerk response was, “Oh, that means Purgatory”–and I flinched! Then I pulled myself up short & thought, this is my chance to take advantage of the answer to my prayer. I’d be a fool to waste it! I had a mental image of turning my little boat into the “wake” of purification. So–*what* needs to be purged & *how*?

There was also a sudden surge of heart over the prospect of the summons Home to Heaven forever–but I quickly reined that in. It would be too easy. I’d already haunted the gates of death as an escape from the agonies of a broken home, from the bottomless pit of need in my own heart that made it feel as though I’d suck the life out of anyone who got too close. I must protect them from myself, preferably by removing myself from the picture. The prospect of going from the frying pan into the fire set up one barrier, and the thought-out realization that leaving people with either remains to deal with or a missing person to pursue would only make matters worse only left me angry at my inability to escape life. I longed to be the sort of person who could make a gift of herself, and to be a gift worth giving. Escape not being an option, I went in pursuit of tools to manage my emotions, to build up goodness within myself, to learn to interact with people in ways that were good for them. I read, studied, prayed, pondered, practised, fought my disorders.

God did a lot with that. He changed me, inch by inch over decades. But there were still strongholds that just wouldn’t budge. Fierce independence, excessive self-sufficiency, defensiveness, fear. Heavy-duty intervention was needed. God supplied. My “yes” to His invitation to intensive purgation opened the way to a whole new life. Given subsequent events, I do wonder if that choice of purgation is the reason God kept me here.

It started slowly in the hospital. What does God want of me in this situation? Is this my will or His? How can I thwart my faults? What do I need to move toward? It was unclear and faltering. But I began to feel the fruits right away.

The misery of the previous month evaporated.

The headaches were gone. The loneliness was GONE (my Prince made good & sure of THAT). My psyche came back stronger than ever. Other than being in the hospital, I was flying high!

I had read that the joys of Purgatory are more intense than the greatest joys of earth, but that was rather abstract & quite frankly hard to wrap my head around. I had some guesses, and Brian had rejoiced in the thought that in Purgatory he would never again sin against the God he loved so much, but it was only when I plunged into my own purification that I began to *experience* its joys. I began to *experience* the exultation of being *freed* from bondages, having strongholds broken that I’d battled for years with minimal success.

I began to *live*.